It feels really stupid of me for not having seen those really glaring warning signs rushing towards me.But, i guess i have never really worried about them...you see,thought they were minor bumps and would probably miss me altogether.
I was wrong.The pressure of being a great friend,a great classmate and a good enough son has gotten to me.Im not saying i have been forced to exceed all expectations...but,this is who ive always been...believing in being perfect with those who matter.
But i guess,im a far cry from anywhere being normal in many ways.I feel that now at least.Im always nervous,confused,scared and mostly really really pissed off.And im a guy who does not bottle up these type of emotions.I get warped in the head if i try to do so.So,i blow them off.And,usually people can to some extent put up with that but if its a daily soap then well they would want to swap channels right away.
But,Dont get me wrong.None of my friends have given up on me.No...they are too human to do something like that.It amazes to see that even though i have thought probably a million times that i'd best give in to all this negativity in me,i have never ever been told that i was right in thinking that way.
I know its wrong to think like a pessimist...have a defeatist attitude about life but sometimes it helps you take a graver outlook towards life.I have become difficult to understand.i mean,i constantly find it tough to decipher what it is that im planning to do and usually try to find an answer to something which never even had a question in the first place.
i have been a letdown in many ways.Many people think im funny,jolly and just plain goofy.But sometimes,well there is a darker side to me.something which im not particularly proud of because the biggest problem with having a dark side is not being able to control it.
Soon it becomes so uncontrollable that it starts affecting the people you love a lot more than what was necesaary in the first place.
You think you are discussing strongly but in truth you are arguing.
You think you are giving advice but reality check-you are a possessive freak.
You think you are just blowing off some steam but honestly, you are taking out your anger on them.
i think i have made my point clear.
Its obvious, that before i had known it, i had been robbed of my cool judgement.And, now i see that i have mutated into this terrible person who cannot pass a single day without getting hurt or hurting someone.I mean to say,i think its quite clear when you fight almost everyday and hurt one of your best friends so much that it reduces them to tears before you even know it.it sucks.Completely sucks.
And it hurts even more when they are all normal the next day willing to forgive and forget.
And no matter how many apologies you utter,they still sound hollow and something hurts near your chest.Something which has never had a remedy in science or in medicine.
I realise that this is not the first time i have been broken in my life but i have always been left alone to piece them back into my life but this time i have many a helping hand all working hard at the jigsaw puzzle that is me.I know its been really hard to put me back together and honestly some of the pieces dont stand a chance of coming back.
So,this is not an apology of any kind.I have uttered too many too often.They have lost their importance and no more seem to have their effect.
Its just me and my realisation of the life i have led all these years.The important people know what im referring to and i couldnt ever express how complete i am because of them.They adore me and i couldnt have been more grateful.Thank you.
